#4 - How Not to Sabotage a Relationship (Part 3)

(continued from last week)

7. BECOME A GOOD LISTENER.

The ability to listen well can be an invitation to enter the inner world of another person. Those who listen well elicit intimacy. They are able to journey with another person and discover the secret riches of their inner life. "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." (Proverbs 20:5 NIV).

Too often relationships suffer simply because we do not listen carefully to the heart of the other person. "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions." (Proverbs 18:2). Our subconscious defensive filters screen out incoming messages we perceive as threatening or contrary to what we believe. We mistakenly assume that we know what a person is going to say before they say it and do not hear them out. Close friends and married couples often become overly familiar with each other and sabotage their relational growth potential by preempting the true knowledge of the other person with assumptive knowledge. Sometimes we are guilty of projecting our own scenarios upon the communicator and assume that we know what they are thinking or feeling before they finish speaking. In fact we may have packed away our relational sensibilities and spiritual antennae so that we are no longer picking up the messages of the heart.

How is your listening skill? Do you seek first to understand before trying to make yourself understood?

8. BECOME A GOOD COMMUNICATOR.

A good relationship involves honest, loving and frequent communication (Ephesians 4:25). "Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth." (Proverbs 16:13).

It is sad to observe the contrast between the exciting chatter of young people who are exploring their relationships while eating at a restaurant and the dead silence of older couples who act almost as if their marriage partner were not there.

Our communication either builds bridges or blows them up. Our words can heal or damage our relationships. "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24). "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends." (Proverbs 16:28)

We need the wisdom to use words properly. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1). We all wish it were possible to take back some of our words that carelessly have slipped off our tongue. A good proportion of the Book of Proverbs has to do with verbal sins: slander, gossip, ridicule, lying and mocking. "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." (Proverbs 10:19). The tongue can instruct, bless, encourage, impart knowledge and heal a broken heart.

One way to sabotage a relationship is to break a confidence. "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret." (Proverbs 11:13). Intimate relationships require a measure of self-disclosure and vulnerability. When we share a part of our private self with another person we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection. But if the other person attempts to understand and identify, a bond of trust is built Upon such bonds lasting relationships are built.

(To be continued...)